Foster Care (?)?
07/09
I am planning to become a foster parent. Aside of helping a child out and providing the love and secure they deserve, I am having second thoughts on doing it, because I am afraid that I can get too attached to a child and then they have to be taken away to the next foster parent. How would I be able to get over this, if it happens to me? Any advice? Anybody out there that have done this and then regretted?
I’m a foster parent and yes you do get attached the to children. But the main purpose of foster parenting is to reunite the child with their family. That’s always the goal. If the family is in no position for the child to be reunited with, then the child will be put up for adoption. At that point, you will have the choice of adopting. If you are not committed to the child, then don’t do it. I mean if just because you get too attached you have them give the child to another foster parent, then maybe foster parenting isn’t for you. But love the child while they are in your care and when they are reunited with their family (hopefully) then be happy that their family straightened out whatever so they could care for their children. Foster Parenting is tough. It’s not for everyone! If you can’t/don’t want to do it then, don’t. But I promise you it’s worth the effort if you do. But please please, make the decision before you get a foster child in your home.
Always remind yourself what a huge service your doing for these children, society, etc… You will become attached but remember when they go to another home you will have another coming in who will need you just as much as the last did. In the end you will have made a huge impact on many childrens lives and they will remember and hopefully foster one day too
The only regret you may have is if you don’t do this, think if the many you could have helped.
Best of Luck!
wish there were more ppl out there like you.i know a lady who fosters,i asked her the same question,her answer was …there was always a special place in her heart for the children she had had,lots of them still keep in touch,but what makes her do it she said some are broken souls when they come to her,to see them progress and move on is wonder full to know she had a part in that.hats off to her and all the very best to you.
It is really hard to do and I applaud you for considering opening your home to a child who needs one. I can guarantee that you will get your heart broke, back stabbed and cry buckets of tears. The amount of love, and hugs and joy you will get in return will be more than enough to compensate for the negative. My parents are the foster parents of over 500 kids (through out the last 40 years) adopting only 14 of them. It is hard, but the work is worth it. The love that my parents have given me and the other children that have come into our lives, I wouldn’t trade it for an instant. I am who I am because of who they are. If you only impact one child, that is one child that knows that they are loved and has a safe place to land. Good Luck and God bless.
Maybe you could be a long term foster parent Get older kids around age 15-18. Maybe you could keep them until they are on their own, then it would be their choice to see you again. Or there is also an emergency foster parent. They get the kids in a temporary situation until a more permanant one can be found. Like middle of the night, til next day, or for a weekend or something. You would still be helping the child out, but not long enough to get attached.
My sister adopted 3 girls after being their foster parent.
there will always be separation and attachment issuses, especially with children. in today’s times, you can never understand where they come from, they will kids in and out of your home, don’t forget that your life will be scrutunized what goes on in your home, life, etc. And if the kid does not like you, they can make false allegations and try and have you investigated and worse still closed.
It has a lot of pros and cons.
no not really but be pared cause there crazy kids out their! not trying to discurage you but im giving you the heads up!
I would be more concerned about CPS turning against you than I would be about getting attached to children and then losing them. By law, they should be returned to their bio parents if CPS does its job. You need to understand that parental rights advocates are making a whole lot of noise about how unjust CPS and the family court system is and hopefully we will bring about change.
It is all well, fine and good to be a foster care provider but you have to remember these children already have parents. CPS will lie to you, exaggerate, twist facts and tell you what you want to hear in hopes of getting you to adopt them, all for federal money. They will designate them “special needs” to get eve more money. Too many biological parents are being raped by them and the courts and we will bring about change, hopefully very soon.
Also, CPS will turn things back on you too and make false allegations against you if you do not go along with what they want. Keep these things in mind before becoming a foster care provider. If you cannot be fair to the bios, then you’re not going to be a very effective “parent.”
As a retired foster care giver for over 10 years, it is a natural behavior to get attached to a child, if you are sharing your home with them as part of your family. We fostered many, many children and at the same time got to know many of their parents and their situations. Also, most of the children, we cared for, were reunified with their parents.
Yes there is a movement by groups. But most of them are asking that each and every person, agency, etc, be responsible for their actions. True abuse does exist, but in too many cases, there are many question about the abuse and should the child be removed.
Here a two examples of those taking care of children that we (NFPCAR) assisted when they were accused of child abuse. One was a Foster care giver. She was accused of neglect. The claim from the agency? She took the children too many times to McDonalds. The next, was a natural mom. She was accused of physical abuse. The claim from the agency? She was accused of physical abuse for not having an air conditioner. This took 6 months for the children to be returned. The issue with the agency was not the air conditioner, but the brand of air conditioner needed.
Many will say Foster Care Givers are in it for the money. But as we should all know, irregardless of the child’s situation in their Natural Home, they do not want to be removed. But when removed, they act out in anger.. And as a Foster Care Giver, if you are doing your care responsibly, it may take an effort of 24/7 for this care. In reality, it is not the money Foster Care Givers receive, but the money the agency makes administrating the program.
I feel there is a need for responsible Foster Care Givers. But at the same time we must all be responsible for our actions and this includes the agency. Believe it or not 80% of the allegations against anyone who cares for the children have been false. And unfortunately, to many children have been removed from their natural parents. Also, there are many natural parents, who may take a period of time to get back on track, but many, many do.. And when they do, I feel they, as well as the children, should once again be reunified as a Family.
So, if you have a moment, please visit our site http://nfpcar.org . A group started by Foster Parents, who were falsely accused, and now this group includes ALL parents, Natural, Grand Parents, etc. who have taken the next step and recognize, who is truly not responsible.
Yes it is a tough decision to be a Foster Care Giver. But if you do, please know all sides and ask questions about the child, his/her parents etc.. We as families have the answers and not the Agency, whose primary purpose was to protect our children, who were Truly Abused.
My fiancee was a foster parent for a brief period until she found out what was going on behind the scenes of the CPS. She took the time to ask the children their stories and to find out where the truth was. She quit when the CPS started making threats of allegations if she didnt stop citing that she was not a therapeutic foster home or a psychologist. All she was doing was letting them talk, she never gave them advice on how to handle things but would hold them if they needed it.
Attachment is a hard thing to avoid when caring for someone. Actually it is almost a requirement to foster well. However I would be careful how attached you become. To many foster parents do go to far and will go out of their way to undermine the natural parents’ reunification. As well as many natural parents are in anti-CPS groups organizations that have fallen victim to CPS. Even where I live there is 6.5% of the child population in foster care. That is more then 1 in 20. and like Granpa Chuck mentioned the false allegations are extremely high.
If you do this you will see a trend of the children you care for most will be: from low income families, classified as “neglect” cases. Neglect will range from cluttered home to to much T.V. or parents could not afford somethings that most of our parents never even had, such as a second vehicle, Air conditioners, humidifies, dehumidifiers. The list of what I have seen and heard on cases get down right silly to fathom. One case involved removal (and made permanent years later) because a father had an epileptic attack ONCE in 8 years.
Take caution the CPS likes to over medicate children through use of their own doctors to up their funding. If your really there for the children get another opinion from any doctor not related to the “system”.
The choice is ultimately yours, but do so carefully and knowing what type of agency you are supporting and enabling by doing the foster care. I suggest studying about the darker side of CPS before making your decision. By the way they have several different names/acronyms for CPS depending on state, just a FYI if you do take my advice and look into it.
you need to join the Yahoo Group “Foster Parent Allegations” to see the situation for what it really is. Foster parenting is NOT all peaches and cream or roses and happiness. CPS will give you children who are deeply troubled, they will place ridiculous demands upon you on how to take care of the children in your home, and other issues too numerous to mention. Join that group and get an eye-opening.
Children ALWAYS do better when their birth parents are part of their lives, even if they are some skanky loser.
I wouldn’t go as far as ALWAYS. that is a word that is to encompassing. however I would say close to always. you do have the extreme cases of abuse neglect like what was written about in “Boy named It” or the feral child recently on Oprah Baby Brianna down in NM or AZ on of the two states. these are heart breaking cases. but I do believe 95-99% are better off with their birth parents.
But I do totally agree with getting into groups like those mentioned from yahoo. careful tho there are alot of blogs out there that paint foster care as “peaches and cream” and “flowers and sunshine” which they will blow plenty of that up you-know-where.
I teach classes for adults to become foster or adoptive parents, called MAPP.
Every area is different, every case worker is different. Here CPS removes but then a judge decides if it is to continue. At that point The system takes custody of the child.
Just because you are attached to a child, doesn’t mean he/she can’t live somewhere else.
If you think you will get too attached then foster the older teens, they are harder to attach too. Also if they go home, and they want to stay in contact they can. A lot of foster families really bond with the bio family, which really helps the kids transition. You have to keep asking yourself, are you doing this for you or for them? If you are truly doing it for them then a few crying jags shouldn’t stop you.