Parenting-N-Families

Aggression in young children is a common problem that is quite natural and normal, but most parents feel alone and embarrassed when dealing with it. There are lots of ideas and options for taking positive constructive action to improve the situation, but the results are not quickly obvious, since it involves young children who lack maturity and self-control skills.

WHAT TYPE OF PROBLEM IS IT? C/P.* Part of the problem belongs to the Child, because the child is angry, and part of the problem belongs to the Parent, because the child is expressing the anger aggressively, which is a safety issue. While the problem is mostly a Parent problem, the parent’s goal is for the child to eventually become mature enough to resolve similar emotions appropriately in the future.

WHY? Prior to the end of the transitional phase, around age four and five, children are still in the process learning to manage their bodily functions and impulses. Children who have high levels of testosterone (primarily but not exclusively boys and “tomboy” girls) often have difficulty managing their anger energy. Since they experience a strong chemical change when they are angry, they experience their anger not only as an emotion but as a source of energy they can’t bottle. The energy must come out somehow, so our job as parents is to help it come out in constructive ways, rather than destructive ways.

Ideally, we want children to learn how to manage their own anger and do so in a mature, responsible way. When children are young and inexperienced, it can be difficult to teach them how to manage their anger constructively. In this case, the situation is a PU Problem (Parent problem involving Unintentional misbehavior). If a child has learned anger management skills and intentionally chooses to not use them, the problem would be a PO Problem (Parent problem involving “On purpose” misbehavior). Whether the behavior is PU or PO, you can use the following suggestions:

POSSIBLE TOOLS TO USE

Prevention Toolbox:

Child Problem Toolbox. When you are in the heat of the situation follow this formula:

Teach skills, offering specifics, “If you want (what the child wants), say (specific words).”

Problem Solving. Even a three-year-old can do problem solving, in a condensed version. On a good day, when your child is not angry and it is not immediately after a problem, follow this formula:

PU Toolset (Unintentional). Use these tools when the aggressive behavior is the result of lack of skills. In addition to the skill training, problem-solving, choices, and communication tools already listed, you can also use distraction. Take one of the children, quickly remove the child, and get the child involved in an acceptable activity. Do not remove an angry child to a setting where there is an absence of activity unless he has an Internal recharger; otherwise the lack of physical outlets will only increase the anger energy. Replace the unacceptable behavior with options that will channel the energy appropriately.

Understand the purpose of PO (“On purpose” misbehavior).

If the purpose is revenge, acknowledge the child’s hurt feelings without condoning the child’s actions. Say, “I understand you are angry, but in this family we don’t hit.” or “You don’t like what he did. Tell him, ‘I don’t like that!’”

Discipline Toolset

As you can see, there is a lot parents can do to prevent and respond to aggressive behavior before or instead of discipline. If the problem is recurring, use problem solving to get agreements and build discipline into the plan. When you state what the discipline will be or need to follow through, be very careful to control your anger and follow through calmly and firmly. You are the grown-up, so control yourself until you have a chance to dis-engage and calm down. Possible disciplines are:

Logical consequence – Social outings with children are a special opportunity, so you must show that you can be responsible when you have a problem and get angry. “If you show me you are not ready to work out your problems without hurting people I’ll know you’ve decided to leave. I will give you one opportunity to change your behavior, then we WILL leave. Do you understand?”

If the aggression takes place at school or in a setting where he can’t leave, then the restriction can be on social activities at home, until the next day. Don’t make the time period any longer the first time, or if it only happens infrequently. Keep it reasonable. What your child needs is more practice, not punishment that increases his resentment even more.

Time-outs – “You can either calm down or we will leave the room, you decide.” “I see a boy who’s getting very angry!”, you say as you hurry toward him to stop the aggression. “Quick! Go cool off. Come back when you feel ready to play again.” Present the time-out as a choice so he learns that controlling his anger is his responsibility. Using choices will also prevent the time-out from turning into a power struggle.

If a tantrum starts by trying to get him to leave the situation, offer a choice once, like, “You can walk by yourself or I can carry you out.” Always present removal as a choice before you follow through. If you still get physical resistance, pick child up using ONLY as much firmness or strength as is necessary to protect you and others, but not enough to harm the child. You need to remain in control or he’ll get even more scared. Carry him with his flailing arms and feet facing out (I learned this one the hard way!). Keep your voice calm but firm and say in his ear, “I will not let you hurt yourself or others. When you calm down we can go back.” If you have already left once or it is getting to be time to go, change the last part to, “Next time we get together with your friends, you’ll have another chance to practice using words when you are angry.” Chances are your child will be crying, sad, angry, maybe even revengeful. Acknowledge feelings once or twice, then ignore the tantrum. Any further attention will reinforce the tantrum. If you think it is disrespectful for you to have to leave your friends because of your child’s behavior, think about your long-term goal. Remember, This too shall pass. When it does, you will be able to spend all your time visiting, instead of refereeing fights.

If a child hurts someone’s feelings or body, have the child make amends. Do NOT force the child to say “I’m sorry”. That can lead to a power struggle. You want your child to take responsibility for the consequences of what he did, not get an easy excuse or cancellation of his responsibility by saying those two words insincerely. Tell him, “If you hurt someone, I expect you to take care of their hurt.” If it’s feelings, have him ask if the other child is okay. He can say he’s sorry or hug him, if that is what he sincerely wants to do. But he has to at least check to make sure the other child is okay. If it is a body that’s hurt, the hurtful child needs to be involved in cleaning, getting ice, holding cloth, putting a bandage on, or helping with these things if he’s too young to do them by himself. If the child chooses not to fix the hurt, you know he’s decided to leave.

I want you to know, up front, that this is a problem that may not improve overnight. It sometimes takes months to years, from about age two until about age five, for children to be able to internalize and apply what they have learned. Seeing results will take longer than other problems, but be patient. You will have times when you feel discouraged and think you aren’t getting through. You will have embarrassing situations that test your patience. But soon you WILL see little glimpses of times when your child practices what you’ve taught him. And when your child matures, you will find his anger management and conflict management skills are sometimes even higher than the children who never seemed to lose their temper when they were younger. Pursuing long-term goals that teach skills versus short-term solutions that punish the behavior is the key to resolving this problem successfully.

Other resources that might help:

The Little Boy Book, by Sheila MooreYour Three Year Old (also Four year old), by Louise Bates Ames and Frances L. Ilg.