Parenting-N-Families

The trio seemed to have severe problems and the mother appeared unsure of handling her own problems along with those of her children’s.

Her daughter, the 7 year old girl had suddenly withdrawn into a shell and ignored friends and family completely. She had disturbed sleep and often complained of recurring stomach aches. She also lost a liking for food and frequented the washroom.

The 13 year old boy had developed his own set of unique problems. He was persistently angry and behaved badly. He was often involved in acts that defied authority, like skipping school, etc. It appeared as if he was taking advantage of his mother’s helplessness.

Both these children were victims of parental divorce and they were seeking therapeutic help to combat the effects of stress. Though, they belonged to the same family their reactions to their parental divorce was vastly different for, attitudes differ with age. Age Determines Reaction to Divorce

Children going through the elementary years of school get increasingly exposed to peers and get slightly distanced from parents. Divorce at this stage proves an obstacle difficult to surmount. They try their best by making efforts to bring back their parents together or simply fantasise a reunion. The futility of their efforts and feelings of helplessness turns them silent. Grief at the absence of a parent, finds expression as bodily pain. They are in the early stages of psychological development and they react differently compared to adolescents.

Young adolescents have their attention focused on their surroundings and friends circle. Their power of understanding is well developed and they are fully aware of the divorce of their parents. They are deeply critical of it and refuse to accept the situation. The circumstances make them angry and defiant.

Children of every third family in the UK are bound to experience parental divorce and such feelings subsequently. Unfortunately, all the children are not lucky enough, to receive psychological help. Quite a few, have their invisible bruises untreated, and the festering wound impairs their emotional development. Ironically, though children are the worst sufferers of a divorce they receive the least attention.Child Vulnerability to Divorce

All the children are affected by the divorce of their parents; however some are affected more than the others. Generally, they all react similarly in such an eventuality. Children of divorce are extremely angry, at themselves and at others. Anger stems from a feeling of helplessness and guilt. Expectedly, such children are destructive, break rules often, are defiant and fail to take on responsibility. They lose their self esteem too. They believe that they are so bad, that one of their parents no longer wishes to stay with them.

It is terrible that children are subjected to the strongest of feelings like anger, guilt and insecurity. The sheer negativity of these emotions leads them into sorrow, anger and depression. Closer introspection reveals that, the legal process of divorce is harmless. It is the period of pre-divorce stress and anxiety in the house that causes the real damage.Impact of Pre Divorce Stress

Though, conflicts are common among all marital partners, the pre divorce conflicts are unique in their bitterness. Spouses insult each other, have heated arguments and at times indulge in physical violence too. Children exposed to such extreme strife, begin feeling insecure. Their parents are their source of support and seeing them fight frightens them.

Arguments in the pre divorce period are quite natural. When couples are called upon to split all their marital possessions, it is bound to create some struggle. However, the primary duty of any parent is safeguarding child interest. Keeping this in mind, it is necessary that every spouse avoids bitter arguments in the presence of children.

If they are not able to solve their differences, they can easily seek the help of divorce counsellors or mediators. Avoidance of conflict prior to the divorce process is important. It entails peace of mind for both the divorced spouse and the children. It also helps forget the unhappy occurrence and forge ahead in life.